Smile

This morning was a one that seemed to flow rather well. I know this because when I got to the bus stop I was asked by someone how I was doing. I said the typical response oh fine thanks. She told me she knew she could ask because I was smiling, as if something wonderful was going on. Something was, I got myself and my child out the door with no raised voices, no eye rolling, not even the typical "mommy please don't go". It was a great feeling to have the morning go so smoothly. That for me is the equivalent of a $100 lottery win. It's enough to make me smile set me well for the day and hope that I'm as lucky again the next morning. 

Keep smiling, I am and it makes me feel good. The song Walking on Sunshine comes to mind with how I felt today. It all began with a smile.

Walking on Sunshine

Time

What is it about time that makes it seem as slippery as a wet floor or as slow as a horrible traffic jam? There are days that make me feel as though they are never ending and then the amazing ones that fly by so quickly that I feel it unfair.  I rarely look at the clock and feel as though I am cheated of the minutes that rolled on without my noticing. 

My daughter gets upset every night that we didn't get nearly enough time together. I know she's right and that it's incredibly unfair that she feel so cheated. I don't believe she would be happy with 20 minutes extra or 2 hours extra but I know she misses me. I do try to get to work early so that I can get home early but each morning her requests for cuddling are answered with an immediate yes and then the next minute I realize....TIME has slipped by on me again. Did I value those minutes, yes, were they worth it, definitely! Now I must rush run and hurry my child out the door. It's a catch-22, if I would have denied her the cuddle time to get home early I would be worried something would happen to me or her. The age of the Twin Towers bombing is still very present in my thinking. If I were late to work maybe there was a reason greater than I needed to know at the time. The other thorn is when I rush her out and get to work early and plan to leave early (sometimes work puts the kibsoh on that) and I get stuck, or I race out and find myself on a "disabled" train, stuck in traffic on a bus etc.

Making the most of my time is not something I am entirely good at and I do plan to improve, or at least try to improve.

Today for instance, no matter what I am leaving at 4:30. I am going home to play with my child and then get her off to cheer practice. I will enjoy the heck out of those moments and try very very hard to think of something fun for us to do together on Saturday. I feel the need to make something special of this Saturday. I am sure she would be content if we played Barbies and popped corn for a movie in my bed. Hell maybe that is what I will do...make the most of your time. 

I have a reminder in my life now that whispers to me to CELEBRATE it all, even the little moments. I am Alanna, I promise you I'm trying. My little snow angel reminds me of these precious little moments in time that can not wait till dishes are done or "later". The time is now to embrace all the time you get.

LOSS

Unless speaking of weight a loss is generally something that evokes sadness. I have recently experienced a loss and it has left me incredibly sad. I went through all the stages, almost...I was in denial, got angry, grew to accept this is what it is, and now trying to move forward. However it had made me question so many things: my own mortality, how much time I have left with my daughter and something that didn't seem very important until now...have I made a difference. Have I done something that would leave behind a legacy of who I am.

 

LIVE LAUGH LOVE LIVE LAUGH LOVE

I am sure if you ask friends they would speak kindly of me. They would have respect for me and they would absolutely miss me in their lives. BUT would I leave them something to want to carry on? My friend did this, she left behind a legacy of acting, doing, being in the moment. She never looked back only forward. She did take a lot of photos. I realize now that this was so that those that need now look back in their painful times have a smile urging them to look forward. She created a place in the world where people will tell her daughter what a great woman she was. Sometimes people say this as a way of helping people move ahead but she truly did. She told us all to celebrate each day, don't settle into the mundane way life can be - change it up! You may not get the best out of every day but dammit you tried! 

LIVE LAUGH LOVE LIVE LAUGH LOVE

So the dishes didn't get done, there's always later but the sun is shining at the park now and my little girl needs to run and laugh. So there's dust on the shelf, a bag of laundry to be done...it will eventually get done. The world needs to smile more and forgive more. I don't think my friend had an enemy, she didn't have the time to hold a grudge and she didn't expect you to be perfect. She would tell you it's time for a get together and you would have to agree because dammit it was. Life is too short. She is proof of this! Her child will be heralded by stories filled with laughter about a mother and her love so pure so passionate and so true. She will know how special she is because of this amazing woman and her love for her husband and the child they created and wanted so dearly.

LIVE LAUGH LOVE LIVE LAUGH LOVE

Until I figure out what my legacy is I am proud to carry on hers. I will enjoy all the moments I can. Wear the pretty sweater, even if I am just going food shopping. I will enjoy the hell out a dessert because it should be enjoyed not stressed over. I will go to the beach instead of doing laundry. I will lay in bed on a Saturday morning with my husband and daughter not stressing of the things we "should be doing". I will do these things not because they are tough, they are in fact easy. They are necessary to our well being and to our children. Let them see that we know how to relax, roll with the punches and KEEP SMILING!!!

I love you Alanna Mehling and hope you know how profoundly you have touched my life. I hope you know you changed so many people's outlook on life. I hope that you spread those wings and watch over your child and your husband and know we are all here hoping to keep them smiling as well. Until I see you again Love & Light, bless you my dear friend.

To be or not to be....

This past week I read an article published in The Guardian by Don Paterson in which he implies that Shakespeare was clearly or obviously a homosexual. Perhaps he was sexually frustrated. He married Anne when he was 18 and they did have eight children together. If he was in love with a man why would he be engaging in sex with his wife as often? Frustration, that he couldn't be who he truly wished to be.

He wrote so passionately about love, in Romeo and Juliet there is young love that is so pained by the rifts in their families they take their lives to be together forever in death. Macbeth and his wife were consumed by each other and a want of power. They stood in each others corners until they were literally driven crazy as a result of their control.  Did he write from a personal place or was it from what he observed around him? Was a friend of his the subject of his writings? As in Sonnet 18, he had written,"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, So long lives this and this gives life to thee." So many questions still, so many that can not be answered, the answers are buried with Sir William himself. He has given me entertainment by his comedies, brought me through pain with his tragedies and baffled me with his sonnets. It's been quite the trip Sir William Shakespeare, it really has.

Shakespeare's woman

Anne Hathaway, the wife of William Shakespeare, lived in a farmhouse. A goal for most woman from Anne's social upbringing was marriage. She met William when she was 26, still single at such an age is unusual. She wasn't single for long because the young Anne became pregnant before they were married. Chaste she was not! She is said to have been domestically educated and illiterate. So ironic that a man who is known to have created all these amazing literary works of ART was married to a woman that would likely not have been able to read what he wrote.

She likely wondered if her husband was faithful to her. The talk was that in his many travels he was having affairs. However a woman like Anne seems lucky to have gotten married to someone like William Shakespeare at all. Maybe he was having affairs and she was willing to overlook them, knowing that she was married and not frowned upon by society being an old maid.

Sir Walter's ladies...

 

Elizabeth Throckmorton, was affectionately known as Bess. She was a maid to Queen Elizabeth I.  She was a wife to Sir Walter Raleigh.  However before she was his wife she was to be faithful to Queen Elizabeth. The Queen was not the type to give a blessing to a man who was already in her favor to marry one of her courtiers.  The Queen lavished Walter with riches and expected him to remain at her beck and call. However Bess was in love with him and didn’t back away. Quite the contrary Bess continued to go after the man she loved and in effect “won” in every sense of the word. 

Bess was described as being intelligent, passionate and courageous; all of these would not be typical of a Renaissance woman. She was not the chaste woman she was expected to be.  This is obviously proven by her child with Sir Walter conceived in the summer of 1591 when she hadn’t married him until that fall. The marriage was a very secret affair. All of these attributes seem very unbecoming a woman of such times.   

Elizabeth: The Golden Age (2007)

Queen Elizabeth I: [during a briefing with Walsingham and Bess] We shall have to look out a husband for you soon, Bess.
Elizabeth Throckmorton: Not too soon, my lady.
Sir Francis Walsingham: There are husbands to be had.
Queen Elizabeth I: [to Bess] Don't you want to be married?
Elizabeth Throckmorton: I'll want the marriage if I want the man.

http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0055971/quotes

This is very uncharacteristic of a woman in the Renaissance. Typically marriage is the goal. She is portrayed as not wanting a marriage unless the man makes it worth the step. 

Daugther, Mother, Child...

Claribel was sent to be married to the King of Tunsia by her father's orders. It was seen as a way to expand their family's reach to Africa. This would be good for their family. Even though the Africans were seen as a people of "wild" background, completely unrefined comparitvely to how Claribel lived in Europe. Daughter of a King she would of course be well read and educated to a level above her subjects in Africa. Because Claribel weds the King of Tunis, her father will now be able to benefit from the union as well.

Sycorax, is a an unfortunate soul that arrives at the island because she is exiled from Algeria. Her eviction from her home is likely one of shame due to the pregnancy. This is very typical of a woman that not virtuous and allows herself to fall to the passions of a man whom she is not betrothed to or promised to wed.  This makes me think that Sycorax came from a home where the values weren't instilled in her to wait for the proper man. Rather than her family embrace her they are shamed and send her away to what could well have been her death.

 
When Miranda sees Ferdinand she is in love with him nearly immediately. Her father begs of her to please understand that the world is not merely made up of monstrous beings like Caliban and the attractive Ferdinand. Prospero watches over his daughter Miranda when she is in contact with Ferdinand most likely because he wants her wed to someone with promise. Ferdinand is the furture King of Naples and therefore a perfect mate for his only child. However he cannot help but ensure his daughter's virtues remain in tact, by saying:

"Then, as my gift and thine own acquisition

Worthily purchased take my daughter: but

If thou dost break her virgin-knot before

All sanctimonious ceremonies may

With full and holy rite be minister'd,

No sweet aspersion shall the heavens let fall

To make this contract grow: but barren hate,

Sour-eyed disdain and discord shall bestrew

The union of your bed with weeds so loathly

That you shall hate it both: therefore take heed,

As Hymen's lamps shall light you." (4.i.14-24)