Smile

This morning was a one that seemed to flow rather well. I know this because when I got to the bus stop I was asked by someone how I was doing. I said the typical response oh fine thanks. She told me she knew she could ask because I was smiling, as if something wonderful was going on. Something was, I got myself and my child out the door with no raised voices, no eye rolling, not even the typical "mommy please don't go". It was a great feeling to have the morning go so smoothly. That for me is the equivalent of a $100 lottery win. It's enough to make me smile set me well for the day and hope that I'm as lucky again the next morning. 

Keep smiling, I am and it makes me feel good. The song Walking on Sunshine comes to mind with how I felt today. It all began with a smile.

Walking on Sunshine

Time

What is it about time that makes it seem as slippery as a wet floor or as slow as a horrible traffic jam? There are days that make me feel as though they are never ending and then the amazing ones that fly by so quickly that I feel it unfair.  I rarely look at the clock and feel as though I am cheated of the minutes that rolled on without my noticing. 

My daughter gets upset every night that we didn't get nearly enough time together. I know she's right and that it's incredibly unfair that she feel so cheated. I don't believe she would be happy with 20 minutes extra or 2 hours extra but I know she misses me. I do try to get to work early so that I can get home early but each morning her requests for cuddling are answered with an immediate yes and then the next minute I realize....TIME has slipped by on me again. Did I value those minutes, yes, were they worth it, definitely! Now I must rush run and hurry my child out the door. It's a catch-22, if I would have denied her the cuddle time to get home early I would be worried something would happen to me or her. The age of the Twin Towers bombing is still very present in my thinking. If I were late to work maybe there was a reason greater than I needed to know at the time. The other thorn is when I rush her out and get to work early and plan to leave early (sometimes work puts the kibsoh on that) and I get stuck, or I race out and find myself on a "disabled" train, stuck in traffic on a bus etc.

Making the most of my time is not something I am entirely good at and I do plan to improve, or at least try to improve.

Today for instance, no matter what I am leaving at 4:30. I am going home to play with my child and then get her off to cheer practice. I will enjoy the heck out of those moments and try very very hard to think of something fun for us to do together on Saturday. I feel the need to make something special of this Saturday. I am sure she would be content if we played Barbies and popped corn for a movie in my bed. Hell maybe that is what I will do...make the most of your time. 

I have a reminder in my life now that whispers to me to CELEBRATE it all, even the little moments. I am Alanna, I promise you I'm trying. My little snow angel reminds me of these precious little moments in time that can not wait till dishes are done or "later". The time is now to embrace all the time you get.

LOSS

Unless speaking of weight a loss is generally something that evokes sadness. I have recently experienced a loss and it has left me incredibly sad. I went through all the stages, almost...I was in denial, got angry, grew to accept this is what it is, and now trying to move forward. However it had made me question so many things: my own mortality, how much time I have left with my daughter and something that didn't seem very important until now...have I made a difference. Have I done something that would leave behind a legacy of who I am.

 

LIVE LAUGH LOVE LIVE LAUGH LOVE

I am sure if you ask friends they would speak kindly of me. They would have respect for me and they would absolutely miss me in their lives. BUT would I leave them something to want to carry on? My friend did this, she left behind a legacy of acting, doing, being in the moment. She never looked back only forward. She did take a lot of photos. I realize now that this was so that those that need now look back in their painful times have a smile urging them to look forward. She created a place in the world where people will tell her daughter what a great woman she was. Sometimes people say this as a way of helping people move ahead but she truly did. She told us all to celebrate each day, don't settle into the mundane way life can be - change it up! You may not get the best out of every day but dammit you tried! 

LIVE LAUGH LOVE LIVE LAUGH LOVE

So the dishes didn't get done, there's always later but the sun is shining at the park now and my little girl needs to run and laugh. So there's dust on the shelf, a bag of laundry to be done...it will eventually get done. The world needs to smile more and forgive more. I don't think my friend had an enemy, she didn't have the time to hold a grudge and she didn't expect you to be perfect. She would tell you it's time for a get together and you would have to agree because dammit it was. Life is too short. She is proof of this! Her child will be heralded by stories filled with laughter about a mother and her love so pure so passionate and so true. She will know how special she is because of this amazing woman and her love for her husband and the child they created and wanted so dearly.

LIVE LAUGH LOVE LIVE LAUGH LOVE

Until I figure out what my legacy is I am proud to carry on hers. I will enjoy all the moments I can. Wear the pretty sweater, even if I am just going food shopping. I will enjoy the hell out a dessert because it should be enjoyed not stressed over. I will go to the beach instead of doing laundry. I will lay in bed on a Saturday morning with my husband and daughter not stressing of the things we "should be doing". I will do these things not because they are tough, they are in fact easy. They are necessary to our well being and to our children. Let them see that we know how to relax, roll with the punches and KEEP SMILING!!!

I love you Alanna Mehling and hope you know how profoundly you have touched my life. I hope you know you changed so many people's outlook on life. I hope that you spread those wings and watch over your child and your husband and know we are all here hoping to keep them smiling as well. Until I see you again Love & Light, bless you my dear friend.